Assignment Prompt & Instructions
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**files (4)**
– ## AssignmentInstructions-ShortEssayWhichCounselingApproach.docx
– ## ShortEssayGradingRubric.pdf
– ## WatchTranscript-Dr.GaryChapmanonTheFiveLoveLanguagesofApology.pdf
– Reading-ChapmanG.2024.The5lovelanguages4thed..NorthfieldPublishing.Chapt.7-8.pdf
**## AssignmentInstructions-ShortEssayWhichCounselingApproach.docx**
EDCO811
**Short Essay: Which Counseling Approach? Assignment**
**Overview**
In this course, you have reviewed multiple approaches—or theoretical counseling orientations—of couple therapy. In this assignment, you will describe which 1 or 2 approaches you embrace presently. What specific constructs, techniques, and interventions do you believe are the most effective? How do Biblical principles integrate with the theoretical orientation(s) you have selected?
See the instructions for the parameters of your paper below.
**Instructions**
Reflecting on the material we have covered in this course; specifically, the approaches to couple therapy discussed in our textbook, write a 2-page essay on the 1 or 2 counseling approaches you embrace today as effective in couple therapy. Your only reference need be our textbook.
Your essay may be at least 2 pages, excluding the title page and reference page. Your paper must include the following components:
· Title page
· Essay
· Reference page
Note: Your assignment will be checked for originality via the Turnitin plagiarism tool.
**## ShortEssayGradingRubric.pdf**
Criteria Ratings Points
Description
of criterion
35 to >32 pts
Advanced
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference
page. Student’s
work was an
excellent reflection
and description of
1 or 2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper meets the
page length
requirement.
32 to >29 pts
Proficient
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work was
a good reflection
and description of 1
or 2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper meets the
page length
requirement or
comes very close.
29 to >27 pts
Developing
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work
was an average
reflection and
description of 1 or 2
theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper may not
meet the page
length requirement.
27 to >0 pts
Below Expectations
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work
was a poor
reflection and
description of 1 or
2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper does not
meet the page
length requirement.
0 pts
Not
present
/ 35
pts
Mechanics 15 to >14 pts
Advanced
Student
demonstrated
exemplary
grammar, diction
and APA
formatting.
14 to >13 pts
Proficient
Student
demonstrated
appropriate
grammar, diction
and APA formatting.
13 to >12 pts
Developing
Student
demonstrated
average quality
grammar, diction
and APA formatting.
12 to >0 pts
Below Expectations
Student
demonstrated poor
grammar, diction
and APA
formatting.
0 pts
Not
present
/ 15
pts
Total Points: –
Short Essay Grading Rubric | EDCO811_D01_202630
**## WatchTranscript-Dr.GaryChapmanonTheFiveLoveLanguagesofApology.pdf**
Well, thank you, Megan.
And what a delight to be back on
campus again. After many years I graduated the year this
building was built. It's been a while.
Jesus once said that life does not consist in the
abundance of the possessions
that we have. The question
then is, where does life find
its meaning? I believe the answer is in relationships,
first of all, with God, nothing more important than our
relationship with God. But secondly, life finds meaning in relationships
with people, beginning in the family and then spreading out to friends and
community. If we're going to have
good relationships, we have to learn
how to apologize for one simple reason. None of us are perfect. Now, one man did
raise his hand when
his pastor said, does anyone know of
a perfect husband? He shot his hand right up. He said, my wife's
first husband. Well, the reality
is if there are any perfect husbands,
they are deceased. And most of them got
perfect after they died. The reality is there
are no perfect friends, and there are no
perfect parents. There are no
perfect children, and incidentally, there are no
perfect roommates. All of us, from
time to time, do and say things that hurt other people and
hurt our relationships, or we fail to do things or say things that hurt
our relationships. I want to talk to you
very pointedly about this in efficient chapter four and verse
32, it says, Be kind one to another, tenderhearted
forgiving one another, as in Christ has
forgiven us. We're to forgive
in the same way that God forgives us. How does God forgive us if we confess our
sins? God is faithful and
just to forgive us. God doesn't
forgive everybody. He forgives those who
confess their sins, who apologize to God. On the human plane,
that is our model, there's an offense
committed, there's an apology made, we forgive the person. The Bible is very big
on this whole issue of apology, Proverbs 28, 13. He who conceals his
sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them
finds mercy. Now, that's true in our relationship with God, but it's also true in
human relationships. If we act like
our behavior was all right and we deny we did
anything wrong, then the relationship
doesn't prosper. But if we're willing to apologize and
confess that, then chances are
will be forgiven. Isaiah 5092, God
said to Israel, your iniquities have separated you
from your God. Your sins have hidden his face from you that
he will not hear. We sin against God. We create a barrier between ourselves and God.
Same thing is true in
human relationships. When we sin
against a spouse, a child, a roommate, we put a barrier
between the two of us, and that barrier stops wholesome communication
between the couple. Jesus felt so strongly about this that in
Matthew chapter five, verse 23, he said this, if you bring your
gift to the altar, and there you remember that your brother has
something against you. You've wronged
your brother. Leave your gift there
in front of the altar, and first go be reconciled
to your brother, and then come back
and offer your gift. I've often wondered what would happen in churches on Sunday
mornings if we practiced that literally, how many people
would leave the church and go, be reconciled to someone and then come back
and worship God? Well, where do we
learn to apologize? Typically, from
our parents. Little Johnny
pushes his sister Mary down the stairs
and his mother says, Johnny, you don't do that The sister go tell
her you're sorry. So little Johnny
says sorry. Even if he's not sorry. He's 30 now, He's married. He offends his wife.
And what's he going
to say? I'm sorry? He learned from his mother or his father how
to apologize. Now, some people learn not to apologize
from their parents. We found in our
research that about 10% of the population almost
never apologizes. And most of them are men. Some of them were taught overtly by
their parents. Their father said to them, real men don't apologize. Now you know
where
their father got that. John Wayne, that
great theologian. Real men don't apologize. And others of us, our fathers did
not tell us that, but we had no
model of apology. We never heard our
fathers apologize. I remember as a child, eight or nine years old, sitting in the
back
seat of the car. My father was driving, my mother was
on this side. And in the drive, they would get into
a conversation and my father
would get upset with my mother
and he would say things loudly and
harshly to her. And I'm in the back,
sat as a child, not feeling very good because the two most important
people in my life, one of them is
talking to the other in a very harsh way. My mother would
never respond. I guess she
learned that if she responded, it
would escalate. So my mother would
just be silent, then my father
would calm down, and we would
drive in silence. I never heard my father apologize to my mother. I'm not saying he
didn't, maybe he did in private. I came into my
marriage with no model of apology. Some of us have to
start from ground zero, but most of us learn
how to apologize from our parents when someone is coming to apologize
to you or to me. The question
in the back of our minds is, are
they sincere? If they're sincere, we typically are willing
to forgive them. But if we judge them to be insincere and just trying to get
this behind us, we have difficulty
forgiving. But here's part
of the problem. We had different parents, so our parents taught us different ways
to apologize. Dr. Jennifer Thomas,
and I, a few years ago, did research on
this to find out how people
typically apologize. We asked thousands
of people all over the country
two questions. When you apologize, what do you
typically say or do? Question number two, When someone apologizes to you, what do
you
typically say or do, or when you apologize
to someone else, what do you
typically say or do? Their answers fell
into five categories. I promise you, we were
not looking for five. I like five, but we
weren't looking for five. But they fell into
five categories and all of them are
illustrated in the Bible. So I want to share
them with you and I suggest
you either jot these down or go by
the chaplain's office and get a copy of the
book, whichever. Okay. Expressing regret
Number one, expressing regret
often with the words I'm sorry, but please don't ever use those two words alone.
Tell them what
you're sorry for. I'm sorry that I raised my voice and
yelled at you, I'm sorry that I came home late and we've
missed the program. I know you
really wanted to go tell them what
you're sorry for. If you simply
say I'm sorry, the other person
may well be thinking, you
certainly are. Is there anything else
you'd like to say? They take it as a
character report. You think it was an
apology. I'm sorry. Tell them what
you're sorry for and don't ever add the words, But I'm sorry that I lost my temper
and yelled at you. But if you had not,
then I would not. And now you're no
longer apologizing, you are now
blaming them for your poor behavior.
Listen to these words. In Luke Chapter 15 21, we call him the
prodigal son, Talking to his
father, I am no longer worthy to
be called your son. Do you sense the
regret in those words? This is an
emotional apology you are trying to say
to the other person. I feel badly about
what I've done. I'm hurting because I've hurt our
relationship. Psalm 51, Verse 17. A broken and a
contrite heart. Oh, God you will not
despise you see, God knows our hearts. And when we come to God
with a broken heart, over what we have done, God is fully willing
to forgive us. This is a language in
which we're trying to communicate to the other person
a broken heart. I am hurting because I have hurt our
relationship. I'm sorry, Expressing regret a second apology. Language is accepting
responsibility. I was wrong, should
not have done that. No excuse for that. Now, some people have difficulty saying
the words. I was wrong. I remember
years ago before, I was as spiritual
as I am now. I got up one morning and said to my wife, Carolyn, where's my briefcase
And she said to Gary, I haven't seen your
briefcase I said, look, it was in there
by the dresser. You must have moved
it And she said, I haven't seen your
briefcase I said, Carolyn, think I know
where the thing was. Who else would have moved It means nobody here. Who else would
have moved it? I went on two or three
more rounds without every round I got
higher, higher, higher. I was screaming
at my wife. Can you believe that me? Well, I was nice
to the children. I drove them to school, have a nice day
to Da, Da, Da. But when I got rid
of the children, I went back to being
angry with my wife. And I'm driving
to the church to my office thinking, how could I have
married such a scatterbrained
woman this time? She's lost my briefcase. I don't even know who
I'm going to see today, my schedules in
the briefcase. I don't know what I'm
going to do today. When I got to church,
I did not walk in the door by the
administrative assistance. I walked in the back
door to my office. Folks, when you
have sinned, you don't want
to see people. You want to do what Adam and Eve did in the garden, get you a bush
and
hide behind it, and hope that God
won't see you. I went in the back
door to my office, and I walked
into my office and there was
my briefcase. Now I have an option
I can say to myself, I'm not going to let
her know it was out here or I could
practice what I preach. And if I had
done the former, I obviously would not be using this for
an illustration. So I called her, Hi babe. I found my briefcase. She didn't say
anything. She knew there ought to be
more to it than that. And so I said to her,
I'm sorry I yelled at you, I was wrong. Not easy to admit
that we're wrong. In fact, why don't
we try it out loud. That's all together. Just say it. I was wrong. Here we go. I was
wrong. See, some of you
had trouble even on a dry run. I was wrong. Luke Chapter 15 21. Again, the prodigal
son. I have sinned against
heaven and against you. Incidentally. Anytime
we sin against someone else, we
sin against God. So, we need to
confess to God, and we need to
apologize to the person first, John 19. If we confess our sins, God is faithful and
just to forgive us. Same thing is true
on the human level. If we're willing to
admit that we're wrong, most of the time people
will forgive us. Third, apology
language making restitution or offer
to make restitution. What can I do to
make this up to you? What can I do to
make this right? You see, many of us have never even
thought of this. Our parents never even
mentioned the idea of making restitution or offering to make
restitution. And yet, when Zach es encountered Jesus in
Luke chapter 198, you remember what he said, the people I've
stolen from, I'm going to pay them
back four times. What I took, that
is restitution. I sent this manuscript to a friend of mine in California who's
a counselor, and I said, I want
you to read this and I want you to
give me feedback. He wrote back
and said, Gary, man, this thing helped me in my marriage He said, as we read the
manuscript, I realized that
my language, what I've always thought
was an apology is simply to express regret and to say I'm sorry. He said, If my wife
has
offended me through the years and she says to me, honey, I'm sorry. I can let it go.
I am willing to forgive
her He said, So what have I
done for 20 years When I offend my wife, I say to her, I'm sorry, honey And he said,
It's always seemed to me she just couldn't
let it go. It's like she just
couldn't quite forgive me. And he said, as we was reading the
manuscript, my wife we got to the
point on restitution. And my wife said
to me, that's it. That's what I've been waiting for all
these years. You have never
offered to make restitution when you
do wrong He said, Gary never crossed
my mind to offer to make
restitution He said, but now after I tell
her, I'm sorry. I'll ask her, Honey, what can I do to make this right And he said
she
always has an idea, and when I do it, she's
willing to let it go. You see, she was judging his
sincerity because he wasn't apologizing
in a language that she considered to
be a sincere apology. Apology language
number four, genuinely repenting, expressing the
desire to change. I don't like
this about me. I know I did the same
thing last month. I don't want to
keep doing this. Can we talk? Can
you help me? Can we get a plan so I
won't do this anymore? I don't like
this about me. It's expressing
the desire to change acts chapter
two and verse 38. Peter preached repent and be baptized every one of you in the name
of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness
of sins. Jesus himself came
preaching repentance. It's a central theme in the Old Testament and
the New Testament, and for some people, this is what it means
to apologize. And if you don't express
the desire to change your behavior
in their mind, you have not apologized. I was sharing this in
the counseling office and a wife said to me, you know, Dr. Chapman, I can give you a
perfect example of that in our marriage. She said, several
years ago, when our children were
little, she said, I think our baby was
about 18 months old. My husband lost his
temper with our baby. The baby was
crying and he was trying to get the
baby to stop crying. And he did everything
he knew to do, and he couldn't get the
baby to stop crying. And so in his anger, he picked up our baby and started
shaking our baby. And when he did, she said, I grabbed our
baby and said, don't do that to our baby. And I ran to the
bedroom and I was just sobbing
with our baby. And she said 10
minutes later, my husband knocked
on the door and asked if he
could come in. And when he came
in, he said, Honey, I can't
believe I did that. You know, I love our baby. I don't ever want
to do that again. Can you help me? Can we get a plan so
that I'll never do that again Because I don't ever want to do that
to one of our babies. She said, Dr. Chapman,
I sensed he was so sincere that I was
willing to forgive him. And we sat there and
worked out a simple plan that if he ever
felt himself about to lose it with
one of our children, he would simply
turn to me and say, Honey, I'm getting hot, I've got to take a walk. And he would
take a walk, and 30 minutes later, or an hour later,
he'd come back. He didn't take the
whole evening off. He'd come back and say, Okay, honey, I'm
under control. What can I do to help you And he'd plug back in. She said that was
eight years ago. He has never lost it with one of our
children since then. She said he's taken
several walks, but he's never lost it. You see, for some people, this is what it
means to apologize. Number five, requesting
forgiveness. I must admit to
you, this one had never crossed my mind. My reasoning was
surely people know if you're apologizing that you want
to be forgiven, why would you have
to verbalize it? Why would you have to say, will you please
forgive me? Or I hope you can find it in your heart
to forgive me. Why would you have
to verbalize it? But for some people, this is what it means
to apologize. If you don't verbalize
your apology, then in their mind, you
have not apologized. Dr. Thomas was sharing
this with her. I wrote this book
with Dr. Thomas, was sharing this
with her mother. And her mother said, well, I can give you a perfect
example of that at work She said, I have
a friend at work. We've been friends
for 15 years But I noticed one day that she seemed rather cold. On a break, I said
to her, Is everything all
right between you and me And she said my
friend said to me, you know what I don't
like about you. That's a friend. You know what I don't
like about you. You don't ever apologize. And her mother
said, I was blown away And I said,
what do you mean? And she said, you
remember three weeks ago when you did
Da, Da, da, Da? And she said, yes, I
remember that She said, but I told you
I was sorry. And the lady said, I know but you
didn't ask me to forgive you And
her mother said, Well, let me ask
you to forgive me. I value our relationship, will you please
forgive me? And the lady said, sure. You see, it wasn't that she didn't want
to forgive her, it was that in her mind, her mother had
not apologized. So you understand
what happens. People miss each other in their efforts
to apologize. Just as we have different
love languages, we also have different
apology languages. Each of us consider
something a little different to
be a sincere apology. Now here's what I hope by sharing these with you. I hope that
in
family relationships and in roommate
situations, you can actually
discuss this and discover what each
of you considers to be a sincere apology. And you can learn
to verbalize it in a way that will
speak to the heart. But the other thing I hope is that now that you know that there
are at least
five different ways to express apologies, that when someone
apologizes to you in any
of these ways, that you'll give
them credit for it and you'll just
say in your mind, oh, well, that's what their mother and
dad taught them. I'm sorry. So
now that I know that's an apology
language, I'm going to forgive them. I hope it's going to
make it easier for you to let it
go and forgive them because you
realize that they're simply speaking
a different language. If you want to know what your apology language is, or anyone
else
for that matter, you can ask these questions
when I apologize. What do I typically
say or do now? If you can't remember
apologizing, you're overdue.
Second question. What hurts me most
about this situation? If you're in a
situation where the relationships
fractured and you're asking yourself what hurts me
most about this? And if you say what hurts me most is they won't admit that
they're wrong. They said they were sorry, but they won't admit
that they're wrong. You're telling yourself that that's
your language, that's what you
consider to be a sincere apology. Or if you say,
what hurts me most is they make no offer to do
anything about it. They said they're
sorry they're wrong, and they want me
to forgive them. But they make no effort to do anything about it. They're telling
you that making restitution is what they consider to be a
sincere apology. And the third question is, what could they say or do that would
make it easier for me
to forgive them? If you answer
that question, you're telling
yourself what you consider to be a
sincere apology. Now the flip side, completing the circle,
the forgiveness part. I don't have time to
go in that very much, but forgiveness is
a Godly response to a sincere apology. It is responding
to another in the same way that
God responds to us. God, knowing the heart. It doesn't matter how
you express it to God. Incidentally, in this
requesting forgiveness in Psalm 51, verse two. Listen to the words
of David when he's talking to God
and apologizing, blot out my
transgressions, wash away all
my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin,
three different ways. David is asking God
to forgive him, and so what I'm
suggesting is this, when we choose to forgive, we are choosing
a Godly response to a sincere apology. I hope it's going to
help you learn to apologize and learn to forgive more easily
and more freely. And perhaps tonight
we'll talk a little bit more about the
forgiveness part. Because forgiveness does not remove the memory. Forgiveness
does not remove all painful emotions. Forgiveness
does not remove all the consequences
of wrong. Forgiveness does
not rebuild trust. It opens the door
to the possibility of rebuilding trust. I hope that you will, in your efforts here
at the college, that you will reflect upon personal
relationships. And as I said last night, I want to encourage
you before you finish your
training here, spend at least some of your elective
classes taking classes that relate to relationships and
marriage and family. Don't spend all
of your time preparing for a career, and almost no time
preparing for marriage. Marriage is the
most intimate of all human
relationships, and the time
to prepare for marriage is not after
you get engaged. The time to prepare
for marriage is now. There are some things you ought to be learning now about
relationships
that will prepare you for marriage. When that time
comes, let's pray together while your
heads are bowed. Can I ask you a question or two just for
reflection? Many of you are going
to be going home and be with family over
Thanksgiving. Are there fractured relationships
in your family? Would you be willing to apologize to the
persons involved? Maybe it wasn't
all your fault. Maybe you've just
withdrawn, shut the door. Maybe you need
to apologize for withdrawing from
the relationship. But whatever God speaks to you about, would
you right now, just open your heart
and ask God to teach you how to apologize for your failures in your relationships
and to give you a
forgiving spirit to those who offend you. Our father. We are
your people because of what Christ did
for us on the cross, but we are imperfect. You know all of
our relationships. You know all of
us individually, You know those
of us who have offended and need
to apologize. You know those of
us who have been offended and
who really need to go and lovingly confront those
who have heard us and seek to be
reconciled to them. I pray that during the
time we're at home for the holidays that our relationships
will be enhanced. Because we spent a few minutes
together this morning reflecting upon dealing
with our failures, I ask this for your glory. I ask this for our good in the name of
Christ, our Lord. Amen. God bless you.
You are dismissed.
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**## AssignmentInstructions-ShortEssayWhichCounselingApproach.docx**
EDCO811
**Short Essay: Which Counseling Approach? Assignment**
**Overview**
In this course, you have reviewed multiple approaches—or theoretical counseling orientations—of couple therapy. In this assignment, you will describe which 1 or 2 approaches you embrace presently. What specific constructs, techniques, and interventions do you believe are the most effective? How do Biblical principles integrate with the theoretical orientation(s) you have selected?
See the instructions for the parameters of your paper below.
**Instructions**
Reflecting on the material we have covered in this course; specifically, the approaches to couple therapy discussed in our textbook, write a 2-page essay on the 1 or 2 counseling approaches you embrace today as effective in couple therapy. Your only reference need be our textbook.
Your essay may be at least 2 pages, excluding the title page and reference page. Your paper must include the following components:
· Title page
· Essay
· Reference page
Note: Your assignment will be checked for originality via the Turnitin plagiarism tool.
**## ShortEssayGradingRubric.pdf**
Criteria Ratings Points
Description
of criterion
35 to >32 pts
Advanced
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference
page. Student’s
work was an
excellent reflection
and description of
1 or 2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper meets the
page length
requirement.
32 to >29 pts
Proficient
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work was
a good reflection
and description of 1
or 2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper meets the
page length
requirement or
comes very close.
29 to >27 pts
Developing
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work
was an average
reflection and
description of 1 or 2
theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper may not
meet the page
length requirement.
27 to >0 pts
Below Expectations
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work
was a poor
reflection and
description of 1 or
2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper does not
meet the page
length requirement.
0 pts
Not
present
/ 35
pts
Mechanics 15 to >14 pts
Advanced
Student
demonstrated
exemplary
grammar, diction
and APA
formatting.
14 to >13 pts
Proficient
Student
demonstrated
appropriate
grammar, diction
and APA formatting.
13 to >12 pts
Developing
Student
demonstrated
average quality
grammar, diction
and APA formatting.
12 to >0 pts
Below Expectations
Student
demonstrated poor
grammar, diction
and APA
formatting.
0 pts
Not
present
/ 15
pts
Total Points: –
Short Essay Grading Rubric | EDCO811_D01_202630
**## WatchTranscript-Dr.GaryChapmanonTheFiveLoveLanguagesofApology.pdf**
Well, thank you, Megan.
And what a delight to be back on
campus again. After many years I graduated the year this
building was built. It's been a while.
Jesus once said that life does not consist in the
abundance of the possessions
that we have. The question
then is, where does life find
its meaning? I believe the answer is in relationships,
first of all, with God, nothing more important than our
relationship with God. But secondly, life finds meaning in relationships
with people, beginning in the family and then spreading out to friends and
community. If we're going to have
good relationships, we have to learn
how to apologize for one simple reason. None of us are perfect. Now, one man did
raise his hand when
his pastor said, does anyone know of
a perfect husband? He shot his hand right up. He said, my wife's
first husband. Well, the reality
is if there are any perfect husbands,
they are deceased. And most of them got
perfect after they died. The reality is there
are no perfect friends, and there are no
perfect parents. There are no
perfect children, and incidentally, there are no
perfect roommates. All of us, from
time to time, do and say things that hurt other people and
hurt our relationships, or we fail to do things or say things that hurt
our relationships. I want to talk to you
very pointedly about this in efficient chapter four and verse
32, it says, Be kind one to another, tenderhearted
forgiving one another, as in Christ has
forgiven us. We're to forgive
in the same way that God forgives us. How does God forgive us if we confess our
sins? God is faithful and
just to forgive us. God doesn't
forgive everybody. He forgives those who
confess their sins, who apologize to God. On the human plane,
that is our model, there's an offense
committed, there's an apology made, we forgive the person. The Bible is very big
on this whole issue of apology, Proverbs 28, 13. He who conceals his
sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them
finds mercy. Now, that's true in our relationship with God, but it's also true in
human relationships. If we act like
our behavior was all right and we deny we did
anything wrong, then the relationship
doesn't prosper. But if we're willing to apologize and
confess that, then chances are
will be forgiven. Isaiah 5092, God
said to Israel, your iniquities have separated you
from your God. Your sins have hidden his face from you that
he will not hear. We sin against God. We create a barrier between ourselves and God.
Same thing is true in
human relationships. When we sin
against a spouse, a child, a roommate, we put a barrier
between the two of us, and that barrier stops wholesome communication
between the couple. Jesus felt so strongly about this that in
Matthew chapter five, verse 23, he said this, if you bring your
gift to the altar, and there you remember that your brother has
something against you. You've wronged
your brother. Leave your gift there
in front of the altar, and first go be reconciled
to your brother, and then come back
and offer your gift. I've often wondered what would happen in churches on Sunday
mornings if we practiced that literally, how many people
would leave the church and go, be reconciled to someone and then come back
and worship God? Well, where do we
learn to apologize? Typically, from
our parents. Little Johnny
pushes his sister Mary down the stairs
and his mother says, Johnny, you don't do that The sister go tell
her you're sorry. So little Johnny
says sorry. Even if he's not sorry. He's 30 now, He's married. He offends his wife.
And what's he going
to say? I'm sorry? He learned from his mother or his father how
to apologize. Now, some people learn not to apologize
from their parents. We found in our
research that about 10% of the population almost
never apologizes. And most of them are men. Some of them were taught overtly by
their parents. Their father said to them, real men don't apologize. Now you know
where
their father got that. John Wayne, that
great theologian. Real men don't apologize. And others of us, our fathers did
not tell us that, but we had no
model of apology. We never heard our
fathers apologize. I remember as a child, eight or nine years old, sitting in the
back
seat of the car. My father was driving, my mother was
on this side. And in the drive, they would get into
a conversation and my father
would get upset with my mother
and he would say things loudly and
harshly to her. And I'm in the back,
sat as a child, not feeling very good because the two most important
people in my life, one of them is
talking to the other in a very harsh way. My mother would
never respond. I guess she
learned that if she responded, it
would escalate. So my mother would
just be silent, then my father
would calm down, and we would
drive in silence. I never heard my father apologize to my mother. I'm not saying he
didn't, maybe he did in private. I came into my
marriage with no model of apology. Some of us have to
start from ground zero, but most of us learn
how to apologize from our parents when someone is coming to apologize
to you or to me. The question
in the back of our minds is, are
they sincere? If they're sincere, we typically are willing
to forgive them. But if we judge them to be insincere and just trying to get
this behind us, we have difficulty
forgiving. But here's part
of the problem. We had different parents, so our parents taught us different ways
to apologize. Dr. Jennifer Thomas,
and I, a few years ago, did research on
this to find out how people
typically apologize. We asked thousands
of people all over the country
two questions. When you apologize, what do you
typically say or do? Question number two, When someone apologizes to you, what do
you
typically say or do, or when you apologize
to someone else, what do you
typically say or do? Their answers fell
into five categories. I promise you, we were
not looking for five. I like five, but we
weren't looking for five. But they fell into
five categories and all of them are
illustrated in the Bible. So I want to share
them with you and I suggest
you either jot these down or go by
the chaplain's office and get a copy of the
book, whichever. Okay. Expressing regret
Number one, expressing regret
often with the words I'm sorry, but please don't ever use those two words alone.
Tell them what
you're sorry for. I'm sorry that I raised my voice and
yelled at you, I'm sorry that I came home late and we've
missed the program. I know you
really wanted to go tell them what
you're sorry for. If you simply
say I'm sorry, the other person
may well be thinking, you
certainly are. Is there anything else
you'd like to say? They take it as a
character report. You think it was an
apology. I'm sorry. Tell them what
you're sorry for and don't ever add the words, But I'm sorry that I lost my temper
and yelled at you. But if you had not,
then I would not. And now you're no
longer apologizing, you are now
blaming them for your poor behavior.
Listen to these words. In Luke Chapter 15 21, we call him the
prodigal son, Talking to his
father, I am no longer worthy to
be called your son. Do you sense the
regret in those words? This is an
emotional apology you are trying to say
to the other person. I feel badly about
what I've done. I'm hurting because I've hurt our
relationship. Psalm 51, Verse 17. A broken and a
contrite heart. Oh, God you will not
despise you see, God knows our hearts. And when we come to God
with a broken heart, over what we have done, God is fully willing
to forgive us. This is a language in
which we're trying to communicate to the other person
a broken heart. I am hurting because I have hurt our
relationship. I'm sorry, Expressing regret a second apology. Language is accepting
responsibility. I was wrong, should
not have done that. No excuse for that. Now, some people have difficulty saying
the words. I was wrong. I remember
years ago before, I was as spiritual
as I am now. I got up one morning and said to my wife, Carolyn, where's my briefcase
And she said to Gary, I haven't seen your
briefcase I said, look, it was in there
by the dresser. You must have moved
it And she said, I haven't seen your
briefcase I said, Carolyn, think I know
where the thing was. Who else would have moved It means nobody here. Who else would
have moved it? I went on two or three
more rounds without every round I got
higher, higher, higher. I was screaming
at my wife. Can you believe that me? Well, I was nice
to the children. I drove them to school, have a nice day
to Da, Da, Da. But when I got rid
of the children, I went back to being
angry with my wife. And I'm driving
to the church to my office thinking, how could I have
married such a scatterbrained
woman this time? She's lost my briefcase. I don't even know who
I'm going to see today, my schedules in
the briefcase. I don't know what I'm
going to do today. When I got to church,
I did not walk in the door by the
administrative assistance. I walked in the back
door to my office. Folks, when you
have sinned, you don't want
to see people. You want to do what Adam and Eve did in the garden, get you a bush
and
hide behind it, and hope that God
won't see you. I went in the back
door to my office, and I walked
into my office and there was
my briefcase. Now I have an option
I can say to myself, I'm not going to let
her know it was out here or I could
practice what I preach. And if I had
done the former, I obviously would not be using this for
an illustration. So I called her, Hi babe. I found my briefcase. She didn't say
anything. She knew there ought to be
more to it than that. And so I said to her,
I'm sorry I yelled at you, I was wrong. Not easy to admit
that we're wrong. In fact, why don't
we try it out loud. That's all together. Just say it. I was wrong. Here we go. I was
wrong. See, some of you
had trouble even on a dry run. I was wrong. Luke Chapter 15 21. Again, the prodigal
son. I have sinned against
heaven and against you. Incidentally. Anytime
we sin against someone else, we
sin against God. So, we need to
confess to God, and we need to
apologize to the person first, John 19. If we confess our sins, God is faithful and
just to forgive us. Same thing is true
on the human level. If we're willing to
admit that we're wrong, most of the time people
will forgive us. Third, apology
language making restitution or offer
to make restitution. What can I do to
make this up to you? What can I do to
make this right? You see, many of us have never even
thought of this. Our parents never even
mentioned the idea of making restitution or offering to make
restitution. And yet, when Zach es encountered Jesus in
Luke chapter 198, you remember what he said, the people I've
stolen from, I'm going to pay them
back four times. What I took, that
is restitution. I sent this manuscript to a friend of mine in California who's
a counselor, and I said, I want
you to read this and I want you to
give me feedback. He wrote back
and said, Gary, man, this thing helped me in my marriage He said, as we read the
manuscript, I realized that
my language, what I've always thought
was an apology is simply to express regret and to say I'm sorry. He said, If my wife
has
offended me through the years and she says to me, honey, I'm sorry. I can let it go.
I am willing to forgive
her He said, So what have I
done for 20 years When I offend my wife, I say to her, I'm sorry, honey And he said,
It's always seemed to me she just couldn't
let it go. It's like she just
couldn't quite forgive me. And he said, as we was reading the
manuscript, my wife we got to the
point on restitution. And my wife said
to me, that's it. That's what I've been waiting for all
these years. You have never
offered to make restitution when you
do wrong He said, Gary never crossed
my mind to offer to make
restitution He said, but now after I tell
her, I'm sorry. I'll ask her, Honey, what can I do to make this right And he said
she
always has an idea, and when I do it, she's
willing to let it go. You see, she was judging his
sincerity because he wasn't apologizing
in a language that she considered to
be a sincere apology. Apology language
number four, genuinely repenting, expressing the
desire to change. I don't like
this about me. I know I did the same
thing last month. I don't want to
keep doing this. Can we talk? Can
you help me? Can we get a plan so I
won't do this anymore? I don't like
this about me. It's expressing
the desire to change acts chapter
two and verse 38. Peter preached repent and be baptized every one of you in the name
of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness
of sins. Jesus himself came
preaching repentance. It's a central theme in the Old Testament and
the New Testament, and for some people, this is what it means
to apologize. And if you don't express
the desire to change your behavior
in their mind, you have not apologized. I was sharing this in
the counseling office and a wife said to me, you know, Dr. Chapman, I can give you a
perfect example of that in our marriage. She said, several
years ago, when our children were
little, she said, I think our baby was
about 18 months old. My husband lost his
temper with our baby. The baby was
crying and he was trying to get the
baby to stop crying. And he did everything
he knew to do, and he couldn't get the
baby to stop crying. And so in his anger, he picked up our baby and started
shaking our baby. And when he did, she said, I grabbed our
baby and said, don't do that to our baby. And I ran to the
bedroom and I was just sobbing
with our baby. And she said 10
minutes later, my husband knocked
on the door and asked if he
could come in. And when he came
in, he said, Honey, I can't
believe I did that. You know, I love our baby. I don't ever want
to do that again. Can you help me? Can we get a plan so
that I'll never do that again Because I don't ever want to do that
to one of our babies. She said, Dr. Chapman,
I sensed he was so sincere that I was
willing to forgive him. And we sat there and
worked out a simple plan that if he ever
felt himself about to lose it with
one of our children, he would simply
turn to me and say, Honey, I'm getting hot, I've got to take a walk. And he would
take a walk, and 30 minutes later, or an hour later,
he'd come back. He didn't take the
whole evening off. He'd come back and say, Okay, honey, I'm
under control. What can I do to help you And he'd plug back in. She said that was
eight years ago. He has never lost it with one of our
children since then. She said he's taken
several walks, but he's never lost it. You see, for some people, this is what it
means to apologize. Number five, requesting
forgiveness. I must admit to
you, this one had never crossed my mind. My reasoning was
surely people know if you're apologizing that you want
to be forgiven, why would you have
to verbalize it? Why would you have to say, will you please
forgive me? Or I hope you can find it in your heart
to forgive me. Why would you have
to verbalize it? But for some people, this is what it means
to apologize. If you don't verbalize
your apology, then in their mind, you
have not apologized. Dr. Thomas was sharing
this with her. I wrote this book
with Dr. Thomas, was sharing this
with her mother. And her mother said, well, I can give you a perfect
example of that at work She said, I have
a friend at work. We've been friends
for 15 years But I noticed one day that she seemed rather cold. On a break, I said
to her, Is everything all
right between you and me And she said my
friend said to me, you know what I don't
like about you. That's a friend. You know what I don't
like about you. You don't ever apologize. And her mother
said, I was blown away And I said,
what do you mean? And she said, you
remember three weeks ago when you did
Da, Da, da, Da? And she said, yes, I
remember that She said, but I told you
I was sorry. And the lady said, I know but you
didn't ask me to forgive you And
her mother said, Well, let me ask
you to forgive me. I value our relationship, will you please
forgive me? And the lady said, sure. You see, it wasn't that she didn't want
to forgive her, it was that in her mind, her mother had
not apologized. So you understand
what happens. People miss each other in their efforts
to apologize. Just as we have different
love languages, we also have different
apology languages. Each of us consider
something a little different to
be a sincere apology. Now here's what I hope by sharing these with you. I hope that
in
family relationships and in roommate
situations, you can actually
discuss this and discover what each
of you considers to be a sincere apology. And you can learn
to verbalize it in a way that will
speak to the heart. But the other thing I hope is that now that you know that there
are at least
five different ways to express apologies, that when someone
apologizes to you in any
of these ways, that you'll give
them credit for it and you'll just
say in your mind, oh, well, that's what their mother and
dad taught them. I'm sorry. So
now that I know that's an apology
language, I'm going to forgive them. I hope it's going to
make it easier for you to let it
go and forgive them because you
realize that they're simply speaking
a different language. If you want to know what your apology language is, or anyone
else
for that matter, you can ask these questions
when I apologize. What do I typically
say or do now? If you can't remember
apologizing, you're overdue.
Second question. What hurts me most
about this situation? If you're in a
situation where the relationships
fractured and you're asking yourself what hurts me
most about this? And if you say what hurts me most is they won't admit that
they're wrong. They said they were sorry, but they won't admit
that they're wrong. You're telling yourself that that's
your language, that's what you
consider to be a sincere apology. Or if you say,
what hurts me most is they make no offer to do
anything about it. They said they're
sorry they're wrong, and they want me
to forgive them. But they make no effort to do anything about it. They're telling
you that making restitution is what they consider to be a
sincere apology. And the third question is, what could they say or do that would
make it easier for me
to forgive them? If you answer
that question, you're telling
yourself what you consider to be a
sincere apology. Now the flip side, completing the circle,
the forgiveness part. I don't have time to
go in that very much, but forgiveness is
a Godly response to a sincere apology. It is responding
to another in the same way that
God responds to us. God, knowing the heart. It doesn't matter how
you express it to God. Incidentally, in this
requesting forgiveness in Psalm 51, verse two. Listen to the words
of David when he's talking to God
and apologizing, blot out my
transgressions, wash away all
my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin,
three different ways. David is asking God
to forgive him, and so what I'm
suggesting is this, when we choose to forgive, we are choosing
a Godly response to a sincere apology. I hope it's going to
help you learn to apologize and learn to forgive more easily
and more freely. And perhaps tonight
we'll talk a little bit more about the
forgiveness part. Because forgiveness does not remove the memory. Forgiveness
does not remove all painful emotions. Forgiveness
does not remove all the consequences
of wrong. Forgiveness does
not rebuild trust. It opens the door
to the possibility of rebuilding trust. I hope that you will, in your efforts here
at the college, that you will reflect upon personal
relationships. And as I said last night, I want to encourage
you before you finish your
training here, spend at least some of your elective
classes taking classes that relate to relationships and
marriage and family. Don't spend all
of your time preparing for a career, and almost no time
preparing for marriage. Marriage is the
most intimate of all human
relationships, and the time
to prepare for marriage is not after
you get engaged. The time to prepare
for marriage is now. There are some things you ought to be learning now about
relationships
that will prepare you for marriage. When that time
comes, let's pray together while your
heads are bowed. Can I ask you a question or two just for
reflection? Many of you are going
to be going home and be with family over
Thanksgiving. Are there fractured relationships
in your family? Would you be willing to apologize to the
persons involved? Maybe it wasn't
all your fault. Maybe you've just
withdrawn, shut the door. Maybe you need
to apologize for withdrawing from
the relationship. But whatever God speaks to you about, would
you right now, just open your heart
and ask God to teach you how to apologize for your failures in your relationships
and to give you a
forgiving spirit to those who offend you. Our father. We are
your people because of what Christ did
for us on the cross, but we are imperfect. You know all of
our relationships. You know all of
us individually, You know those
of us who have offended and need
to apologize. You know those of
us who have been offended and
who really need to go and lovingly confront those
who have heard us and seek to be
reconciled to them. I pray that during the
time we're at home for the holidays that our relationships
will be enhanced. Because we spent a few minutes
together this morning reflecting upon dealing
with our failures, I ask this for your glory. I ask this for our good in the name of
Christ, our Lord. Amen. God bless you.
You are dismissed.
**Reading-ChapmanG.2024.The5lovelanguages4thed..NorthfieldPublishing.Chapt.7-8.pdf**
This file is too large to display. [View in new window](https://www.sweetstudy.com/files/reading-chapmang-2024-the5lovelanguages4thed-northfieldpublishing-chapt-7-8-pdf-10584773)
**## AssignmentInstructions-ShortEssayWhichCounselingApproach.docx**
EDCO811
**Short Essay: Which Counseling Approach? Assignment**
**Overview**
In this course, you have reviewed multiple approaches—or theoretical counseling orientations—of couple therapy. In this assignment, you will describe which 1 or 2 approaches you embrace presently. What specific constructs, techniques, and interventions do you believe are the most effective? How do Biblical principles integrate with the theoretical orientation(s) you have selected?
See the instructions for the parameters of your paper below.
**Instructions**
Reflecting on the material we have covered in this course; specifically, the approaches to couple therapy discussed in our textbook, write a 2-page essay on the 1 or 2 counseling approaches you embrace today as effective in couple therapy. Your only reference need be our textbook.
Your essay may be at least 2 pages, excluding the title page and reference page. Your paper must include the following components:
· Title page
· Essay
· Reference page
Note: Your assignment will be checked for originality via the Turnitin plagiarism tool.
**## ShortEssayGradingRubric.pdf**
Criteria Ratings Points
Description
of criterion
35 to >32 pts
Advanced
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference
page. Student’s
work was an
excellent reflection
and description of
1 or 2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper meets the
page length
requirement.
32 to >29 pts
Proficient
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work was
a good reflection
and description of 1
or 2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper meets the
page length
requirement or
comes very close.
29 to >27 pts
Developing
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work
was an average
reflection and
description of 1 or 2
theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper may not
meet the page
length requirement.
27 to >0 pts
Below Expectations
Student wrote a
short essay
describing 1 or 2
counseling
approaches, or
theoretical
counseling
orientations,
discussed in
EDCO811. Essay
included: 1. Title
page. 2. Essay.
3. Reference page.
Student’s work
was a poor
reflection and
description of 1 or
2 theoretical
counseling
orientations. The
paper does not
meet the page
length requirement.
0 pts
Not
present
/ 35
pts
Mechanics 15 to >14 pts
Advanced
Student
demonstrated
exemplary
grammar, diction
and APA
formatting.
14 to >13 pts
Proficient
Student
demonstrated
appropriate
grammar, diction
and APA formatting.
13 to >12 pts
Developing
Student
demonstrated
average quality
grammar, diction
and APA formatting.
12 to >0 pts
Below Expectations
Student
demonstrated poor
grammar, diction
and APA
formatting.
0 pts
Not
present
/ 15
pts
Total Points: –
Short Essay Grading Rubric | EDCO811_D01_202630
**## WatchTranscript-Dr.GaryChapmanonTheFiveLoveLanguagesofApology.pdf**
Well, thank you, Megan.
And what a delight to be back on
campus again. After many years I graduated the year this
building was built. It's been a while.
Jesus once said that life does not consist in the
abundance of the possessions
that we have. The question
then is, where does life find
its meaning? I believe the answer is in relationships,
first of all, with God, nothing more important than our
relationship with God. But secondly, life finds meaning in relationships
with people, beginning in the family and then spreading out to friends and
community. If we're going to have
good relationships, we have to learn
how to apologize for one simple reason. None of us are perfect. Now, one man did
raise his hand when
his pastor said, does anyone know of
a perfect husband? He shot his hand right up. He said, my wife's
first husband. Well, the reality
is if there are any perfect husbands,
they are deceased. And most of them got
perfect after they died. The reality is there
are no perfect friends, and there are no
perfect parents. There are no
perfect children, and incidentally, there are no
perfect roommates. All of us, from
time to time, do and say things that hurt other people and
hurt our relationships, or we fail to do things or say things that hurt
our relationships. I want to talk to you
very pointedly about this in efficient chapter four and verse
32, it says, Be kind one to another, tenderhearted
forgiving one another, as in Christ has
forgiven us. We're to forgive
in the same way that God forgives us. How does God forgive us if we confess our
sins? God is faithful and
just to forgive us. God doesn't
forgive everybody. He forgives those who
confess their sins, who apologize to God. On the human plane,
that is our model, there's an offense
committed, there's an apology made, we forgive the person. The Bible is very big
on this whole issue of apology, Proverbs 28, 13. He who conceals his
sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them
finds mercy. Now, that's true in our relationship with God, but it's also true in
human relationships. If we act like
our behavior was all right and we deny we did
anything wrong, then the relationship
doesn't prosper. But if we're willing to apologize and
confess that, then chances are
will be forgiven. Isaiah 5092, God
said to Israel, your iniquities have separated you
from your God. Your sins have hidden his face from you that
he will not hear. We sin against God. We create a barrier between ourselves and God.
Same thing is true in
human relationships. When we sin
against a spouse, a child, a roommate, we put a barrier
between the two of us, and that barrier stops wholesome communication
between the couple. Jesus felt so strongly about this that in
Matthew chapter five, verse 23, he said this, if you bring your
gift to the altar, and there you remember that your brother has
something against you. You've wronged
your brother. Leave your gift there
in front of the altar, and first go be reconciled
to your brother, and then come back
and offer your gift. I've often wondered what would happen in churches on Sunday
mornings if we practiced that literally, how many people
would leave the church and go, be reconciled to someone and then come back
and worship God? Well, where do we
learn to apologize? Typically, from
our parents. Little Johnny
pushes his sister Mary down the stairs
and his mother says, Johnny, you don't do that The sister go tell
her you're sorry. So little Johnny
says sorry. Even if he's not sorry. He's 30 now, He's married. He offends his wife.
And what's he going
to say? I'm sorry? He learned from his mother or his father how
to apologize. Now, some people learn not to apologize
from their parents. We found in our
research that about 10% of the population almost
never apologizes. And most of them are men. Some of them were taught overtly by
their parents. Their father said to them, real men don't apologize. Now you know
where
their father got that. John Wayne, that
great theologian. Real men don't apologize. And others of us, our fathers did
not tell us that, but we had no
model of apology. We never heard our
fathers apologize. I remember as a child, eight or nine years old, sitting in the
back
seat of the car. My father was driving, my mother was
on this side. And in the drive, they would get into
a conversation and my father
would get upset with my mother
and he would say things loudly and
harshly to her. And I'm in the back,
sat as a child, not feeling very good because the two most important
people in my life, one of them is
talking to the other in a very harsh way. My mother would
never respond. I guess she
learned that if she responded, it
would escalate. So my mother would
just be silent, then my father
would calm down, and we would
drive in silence. I never heard my father apologize to my mother. I'm not saying he
didn't, maybe he did in private. I came into my
marriage with no model of apology. Some of us have to
start from ground zero, but most of us learn
how to apologize from our parents when someone is coming to apologize
to you or to me. The question
in the back of our minds is, are
they sincere? If they're sincere, we typically are willing
to forgive them. But if we judge them to be insincere and just trying to get
this behind us, we have difficulty
forgiving. But here's part
of the problem. We had different parents, so our parents taught us different ways
to apologize. Dr. Jennifer Thomas,
and I, a few years ago, did research on
this to find out how people
typically apologize. We asked thousands
of people all over the country
two questions. When you apologize, what do you
typically say or do? Question number two, When someone apologizes to you, what do
you
typically say or do, or when you apologize
to someone else, what do you
typically say or do? Their answers fell
into five categories. I promise you, we were
not looking for five. I like five, but we
weren't looking for five. But they fell into
five categories and all of them are
illustrated in the Bible. So I want to share
them with you and I suggest
you either jot these down or go by
the chaplain's office and get a copy of the
book, whichever. Okay. Expressing regret
Number one, expressing regret
often with the words I'm sorry, but please don't ever use those two words alone.
Tell them what
you're sorry for. I'm sorry that I raised my voice and
yelled at you, I'm sorry that I came home late and we've
missed the program. I know you
really wanted to go tell them what
you're sorry for. If you simply
say I'm sorry, the other person
may well be thinking, you
certainly are. Is there anything else
you'd like to say? They take it as a
character report. You think it was an
apology. I'm sorry. Tell them what
you're sorry for and don't ever add the words, But I'm sorry that I lost my temper
and yelled at you. But if you had not,
then I would not. And now you're no
longer apologizing, you are now
blaming them for your poor behavior.
Listen to these words. In Luke Chapter 15 21, we call him the
prodigal son, Talking to his
father, I am no longer worthy to
be called your son. Do you sense the
regret in those words? This is an
emotional apology you are trying to say
to the other person. I feel badly about
what I've done. I'm hurting because I've hurt our
relationship. Psalm 51, Verse 17. A broken and a
contrite heart. Oh, God you will not
despise you see, God knows our hearts. And when we come to God
with a broken heart, over what we have done, God is fully willing
to forgive us. This is a language in
which we're trying to communicate to the other person
a broken heart. I am hurting because I have hurt our
relationship. I'm sorry, Expressing regret a second apology. Language is accepting
responsibility. I was wrong, should
not have done that. No excuse for that. Now, some people have difficulty saying
the words. I was wrong. I remember
years ago before, I was as spiritual
as I am now. I got up one morning and said to my wife, Carolyn, where's my briefcase
And she said to Gary, I haven't seen your
briefcase I said, look, it was in there
by the dresser. You must have moved
it And she said, I haven't seen your
briefcase I said, Carolyn, think I know
where the thing was. Who else would have moved It means nobody here. Who else would
have moved it? I went on two or three
more rounds without every round I got
higher, higher, higher. I was screaming
at my wife. Can you believe that me? Well, I was nice
to the children. I drove them to school, have a nice day
to Da, Da, Da. But when I got rid
of the children, I went back to being
angry with my wife. And I'm driving
to the church to my office thinking, how could I have
married such a scatterbrained
woman this time? She's lost my briefcase. I don't even know who
I'm going to see today, my schedules in
the briefcase. I don't know what I'm
going to do today. When I got to church,
I did not walk in the door by the
administrative assistance. I walked in the back
door to my office. Folks, when you
have sinned, you don't want
to see people. You want to do what Adam and Eve did in the garden, get you a bush
and
hide behind it, and hope that God
won't see you. I went in the back
door to my office, and I walked
into my office and there was
my briefcase. Now I have an option
I can say to myself, I'm not going to let
her know it was out here or I could
practice what I preach. And if I had
done the former, I obviously would not be using this for
an illustration. So I called her, Hi babe. I found my briefcase. She didn't say
anything. She knew there ought to be
more to it than that. And so I said to her,
I'm sorry I yelled at you, I was wrong. Not easy to admit
that we're wrong. In fact, why don't
we try it out loud. That's all together. Just say it. I was wrong. Here we go. I was
wrong. See, some of you
had trouble even on a dry run. I was wrong. Luke Chapter 15 21. Again, the prodigal
son. I have sinned against
heaven and against you. Incidentally. Anytime
we sin against someone else, we
sin against God. So, we need to
confess to God, and we need to
apologize to the person first, John 19. If we confess our sins, God is faithful and
just to forgive us. Same thing is true
on the human level. If we're willing to
admit that we're wrong, most of the time people
will forgive us. Third, apology
language making restitution or offer
to make restitution. What can I do to
make this up to you? What can I do to
make this right? You see, many of us have never even
thought of this. Our parents never even
mentioned the idea of making restitution or offering to make
restitution. And yet, when Zach es encountered Jesus in
Luke chapter 198, you remember what he said, the people I've
stolen from, I'm going to pay them
back four times. What I took, that
is restitution. I sent this manuscript to a friend of mine in California who's
a counselor, and I said, I want
you to read this and I want you to
give me feedback. He wrote back
and said, Gary, man, this thing helped me in my marriage He said, as we read the
manuscript, I realized that
my language, what I've always thought
was an apology is simply to express regret and to say I'm sorry. He said, If my wife
has
offended me through the years and she says to me, honey, I'm sorry. I can let it go.
I am willing to forgive
her He said, So what have I
done for 20 years When I offend my wife, I say to her, I'm sorry, honey And he said,
It's always seemed to me she just couldn't
let it go. It's like she just
couldn't quite forgive me. And he said, as we was reading the
manuscript, my wife we got to the
point on restitution. And my wife said
to me, that's it. That's what I've been waiting for all
these years. You have never
offered to make restitution when you
do wrong He said, Gary never crossed
my mind to offer to make
restitution He said, but now after I tell
her, I'm sorry. I'll ask her, Honey, what can I do to make this right And he said
she
always has an idea, and when I do it, she's
willing to let it go. You see, she was judging his
sincerity because he wasn't apologizing
in a language that she considered to
be a sincere apology. Apology language
number four, genuinely repenting, expressing the
desire to change. I don't like
this about me. I know I did the same
thing last month. I don't want to
keep doing this. Can we talk? Can
you help me? Can we get a plan so I
won't do this anymore? I don't like
this about me. It's expressing
the desire to change acts chapter
two and verse 38. Peter preached repent and be baptized every one of you in the name
of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness
of sins. Jesus himself came
preaching repentance. It's a central theme in the Old Testament and
the New Testament, and for some people, this is what it means
to apologize. And if you don't express
the desire to change your behavior
in their mind, you have not apologized. I was sharing this in
the counseling office and a wife said to me, you know, Dr. Chapman, I can give you a
perfect example of that in our marriage. She said, several
years ago, when our children were
little, she said, I think our baby was
about 18 months old. My husband lost his
temper with our baby. The baby was
crying and he was trying to get the
baby to stop crying. And he did everything
he knew to do, and he couldn't get the
baby to stop crying. And so in his anger, he picked up our baby and started
shaking our baby. And when he did, she said, I grabbed our
baby and said, don't do that to our baby. And I ran to the
bedroom and I was just sobbing
with our baby. And she said 10
minutes later, my husband knocked
on the door and asked if he
could come in. And when he came
in, he said, Honey, I can't
believe I did that. You know, I love our baby. I don't ever want
to do that again. Can you help me? Can we get a plan so
that I'll never do that again Because I don't ever want to do that
to one of our babies. She said, Dr. Chapman,
I sensed he was so sincere that I was
willing to forgive him. And we sat there and
worked out a simple plan that if he ever
felt himself about to lose it with
one of our children, he would simply
turn to me and say, Honey, I'm getting hot, I've got to take a walk. And he would
take a walk, and 30 minutes later, or an hour later,
he'd come back. He didn't take the
whole evening off. He'd come back and say, Okay, honey, I'm
under control. What can I do to help you And he'd plug back in. She said that was
eight years ago. He has never lost it with one of our
children since then. She said he's taken
several walks, but he's never lost it. You see, for some people, this is what it
means to apologize. Number five, requesting
forgiveness. I must admit to
you, this one had never crossed my mind. My reasoning was
surely people know if you're apologizing that you want
to be forgiven, why would you have
to verbalize it? Why would you have to say, will you please
forgive me? Or I hope you can find it in your heart
to forgive me. Why would you have
to verbalize it? But for some people, this is what it means
to apologize. If you don't verbalize
your apology, then in their mind, you
have not apologized. Dr. Thomas was sharing
this with her. I wrote this book
with Dr. Thomas, was sharing this
with her mother. And her mother said, well, I can give you a perfect
example of that at work She said, I have
a friend at work. We've been friends
for 15 years But I noticed one day that she seemed rather cold. On a break, I said
to her, Is everything all
right between you and me And she said my
friend said to me, you know what I don't
like about you. That's a friend. You know what I don't
like about you. You don't ever apologize. And her mother
said, I was blown away And I said,
what do you mean? And she said, you
remember three weeks ago when you did
Da, Da, da, Da? And she said, yes, I
remember that She said, but I told you
I was sorry. And the lady said, I know but you
didn't ask me to forgive you And
her mother said, Well, let me ask
you to forgive me. I value our relationship, will you please
forgive me? And the lady said, sure. You see, it wasn't that she didn't want
to forgive her, it was that in her mind, her mother had
not apologized. So you understand
what happens. People miss each other in their efforts
to apologize. Just as we have different
love languages, we also have different
apology languages. Each of us consider
something a little different to
be a sincere apology. Now here's what I hope by sharing these with you. I hope that
in
family relationships and in roommate
situations, you can actually
discuss this and discover what each
of you considers to be a sincere apology. And you can learn
to verbalize it in a way that will
speak to the heart. But the other thing I hope is that now that you know that there
are at least
five different ways to express apologies, that when someone
apologizes to you in any
of these ways, that you'll give
them credit for it and you'll just
say in your mind, oh, well, that's what their mother and
dad taught them. I'm sorry. So
now that I know that's an apology
language, I'm going to forgive them. I hope it's going to
make it easier for you to let it
go and forgive them because you
realize that they're simply speaking
a different language. If you want to know what your apology language is, or anyone
else
for that matter, you can ask these questions
when I apologize. What do I typically
say or do now? If you can't remember
apologizing, you're overdue.
Second question. What hurts me most
about this situation? If you're in a
situation where the relationships
fractured and you're asking yourself what hurts me
most about this? And if you say what hurts me most is they won't admit that
they're wrong. They said they were sorry, but they won't admit
that they're wrong. You're telling yourself that that's
your language, that's what you
consider to be a sincere apology. Or if you say,
what hurts me most is they make no offer to do
anything about it. They said they're
sorry they're wrong, and they want me
to forgive them. But they make no effort to do anything about it. They're telling
you that making restitution is what they consider to be a
sincere apology. And the third question is, what could they say or do that would
make it easier for me
to forgive them? If you answer
that question, you're telling
yourself what you consider to be a
sincere apology. Now the flip side, completing the circle,
the forgiveness part. I don't have time to
go in that very much, but forgiveness is
a Godly response to a sincere apology. It is responding
to another in the same way that
God responds to us. God, knowing the heart. It doesn't matter how
you express it to God. Incidentally, in this
requesting forgiveness in Psalm 51, verse two. Listen to the words
of David when he's talking to God
and apologizing, blot out my
transgressions, wash away all
my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin,
three different ways. David is asking God
to forgive him, and so what I'm
suggesting is this, when we choose to forgive, we are choosing
a Godly response to a sincere apology. I hope it's going to
help you learn to apologize and learn to forgive more easily
and more freely. And perhaps tonight
we'll talk a little bit more about the
forgiveness part. Because forgiveness does not remove the memory. Forgiveness
does not remove all painful emotions. Forgiveness
does not remove all the consequences
of wrong. Forgiveness does
not rebuild trust. It opens the door
to the possibility of rebuilding trust. I hope that you will, in your efforts here
at the college, that you will reflect upon personal
relationships. And as I said last night, I want to encourage
you before you finish your
training here, spend at least some of your elective
classes taking classes that relate to relationships and
marriage and family. Don't spend all
of your time preparing for a career, and almost no time
preparing for marriage. Marriage is the
most intimate of all human
relationships, and the time
to prepare for marriage is not after
you get engaged. The time to prepare
for marriage is now. There are some things you ought to be learning now about
relationships
that will prepare you for marriage. When that time
comes, let's pray together while your
heads are bowed. Can I ask you a question or two just for
reflection? Many of you are going
to be going home and be with family over
Thanksgiving. Are there fractured relationships
in your family? Would you be willing to apologize to the
persons involved? Maybe it wasn't
all your fault. Maybe you've just
withdrawn, shut the door. Maybe you need
to apologize for withdrawing from
the relationship. But whatever God speaks to you about, would
you right now, just open your heart
and ask God to teach you how to apologize for your failures in your relationships
and to give you a
forgiving spirit to those who offend you. Our father. We are
your people because of what Christ did
for us on the cross, but we are imperfect. You know all of
our relationships. You know all of
us individually, You know those
of us who have offended and need
to apologize. You know those of
us who have been offended and
who really need to go and lovingly confront those
who have heard us and seek to be
reconciled to them. I pray that during the
time we're at home for the holidays that our relationships
will be enhanced. Because we spent a few minutes
together this morning reflecting upon dealing
with our failures, I ask this for your glory. I ask this for our good in the name of
Christ, our Lord. Amen. God bless you.
You are dismissed.
**Reading-ChapmanG.2024.The5lovelanguages4thed..NorthfieldPublishing.Chapt.7-8.pdf**
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