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**## DiscussionInstructions-SacrificeandAccountability.docx**
**Discussion Thread: Sacrifice and Accountability**
This Discussion features part 3 of the video lecture “A Marriage Two Die For.”
In this presentation, Dr. Scalise continues outlining 7 factors in creating good marriages. This Discussion Activity covers the last two: Sacrifice and Accountability.
What happens to two individuals when they marry? Discuss the challenges and rewards of becoming a couple. Be mindful that this is a process, not an event. Whether you have been married for a few days or a few decades, the task is ongoing.
Based on your knowledge and/or experience, discuss your own approach to teaching concepts related to sacrifice and accountability in marriage. Even if you are not married, approach this from a theoretical perspective.
Support your assertions and, of course, you may use scripture.
**Discussion Assignment Instructions**
The student will complete 6 Discussion Activities in this course. The student will post one thread of at least 500 words. For each thread, students must support their assertions with at least 2 scholarly references (with accompanying citations) in current APA format. Any sources cited must have been published within the last 12 years. Acceptable sources include our textbooks, scholarly articles, and the Bible.
**## Clinicalhandbookofcoupletherapy6thed.Chap.16.pdf**
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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**## WatchTranscriptAMarriageTwoDieForPart3.pdf**
We've now unpacked five of the seven factors that I believe help contribute to
dynamic, healthy,
vibrant marriages. Now let's look
at the final two to look completely
at the roadmap. I'm trying to give
you some things that I think it's
important for you to pay attention
to engaged couples and spouses as you're
doing marriage work. The sixth factor
is sacrifice, hence the title of this
three part series, A Marriage to Die For. If people want to have
a marriage to die for, it often takes
two people who are willing to die for it. Sacrifice is an
important part of any healthy marriage. It's certainly
a theme that is expressed many times
over in scripture, is it Not necessarily
the story of Christ and his coming to the Earth and his
work on the cross. It's a matter
of sacrifice. Sacrifice is
defined, Thus, forfeiture of
something highly valued for the
sake of something considered to have
a greater value or claim relinquishment
at a cost. Boy, I like
that forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of something considered to
have a greater value. I think it's important
for husbands and wives almost to see the marriage
as an entity, as having greater value than either of
them individually. I've talked to couples before, they'll say, hey, we have a great
marriage, we got a 50, 50 marriage. And I'll say that's
half a marriage. And look and
say, no, no, no. Both say, listen, 50, 50 is not a
whole marriage. You giving 100 and your husband or
wife given 100, that makes for a
whole marriage. It's equal in that sense. What did Jesus
say in Luke 923? He says, if anyone
wishes to come after me, he must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me with any marriage
relationship comes a little bit of the need to be able to lay
down my rights, my wants, my
wishes, my needs, my expectations for
the sake of the other. I realize there's balance. I realize there's
principles here and certain boundaries
in terms of morality and a
number of things. But a healthy marriage often is when two
people come together, and at some level
they can both say, listen, I get
it, I get it, that I don't get
everything I want when I want and how I want
it, and that's okay. I'm thinking of my spouse. It's practicing what I call
relational
gift giving. Most couples you work
with, if you said, hey, have you ever
given each other a gift, Christmas, a birthday anniversary,
Valentine, whatever most husbands
and wife would say. Sure. If you said, well, why did you give a
gift to your spouse? Many people would
say, well listen, I give gifts because it's a way of
saying I love you. It's a way of
saying you're important to me,
I care for you. I enjoy seeing you
blessed and happy. All great answers, right? So I often say, listen, as you're
shopping for a gift or as you're
considering a gift, maybe you're making it or producing it or buying it. The focus
is where
the focus isn't on the one who's purchasing the gift or
making the gift. What would please them or make them happy, right? For example, I
don't have a, I don't care a whole
lot about jewelry. I don't wear a
lot of jewelry. Watches, necklaces, bracelets, what, whatever. But my wife loves
jewelry. Okay? And so it's
easy to shop for her. Sometimes she
particularly likes rings. And so as I'm
shopping, I'm like, it doesn't matter
if the jewelry, if the ring doesn't
give me a great wow, it's not for me,
it's for her. And so I talk about relational gift giving
in terms of hey, it's okay if it's
not about you, it's for your spouse, it may be sacrificial. You are no doubt
familiar with
Gary Chapman's, the five Love Languages. And you might say,
but my love language is words of affirmation. Gee, I sure wish
that they would speak more words of
affirmation to me. But the spouses might
be quality time, so I say, hey,
sacrifice time. And it might be a sacrifice for
you to give time, if that's your spouse's
love language, because it's a way of
being sacrificial. The longer I've
walked with God, and perhaps this is
for you as well. Have you ever had
the sense that God has asked you
to do something sacrificial on his
behalf or for another? Probably you have. I have, but there are
also times when I feel like God has
come to me and said, Eric, I'm not necessarily asking you to do something
sacrificial for somebody I'm asking you to
be the sacrifice, and that's a whole
different game, and there are many, many times in a marriage thank God is saying
no, no, no, no. Yeah. There are
times I want you to do something
sacrificial, but there are also
times I want you to be the sacrifice for your
husband or your wife. I often ask couples
when they come in, like I do with
many clients. Okay. What are we
aiming at here? What's the goal
of counseling? What are we looking
at? Because I like to get a sense of the
target. Right? And so I was talking
and I asked the couple, I said, okay, so
help me understand, you know, what
we're aiming at. And he looked at
me and he said, I'm hoping I want resurrection in
my marriage. That's how we framed it. I want our marriage
resurrected, which is a fine goal. It was perhaps
in the moment, but I looked at him on
the spot and I said, okay, are you willing to experience the death
that precedes it? I'm thinking, well,
resurrection is great, but you can't have resurrection unless
something died. In essence, I was saying, what is it you
need to die for or die on behalf of
your marriage or your spouse in
order to experience the resurrection
that you're saying that you
want to focus on? I think that's important. Um, sacrifice is part of any healthy
marriage. I help couples
unpack that. What does it look
like? Are you willing are you willing to carry that
cross if Christ asks you to do that?
It's an important piece. A marriage to die
for, not just one. Both are willing
to die. I get it. Then the last
factor I want to look at is
accountability. Call it coachability. If you want, the
great ones seem to surround themselves
with others who continue to speak
in their lives. It is such a
critical factor. Listen, Michael Jordan, as great as he was,
had a coach. Tiger Woods, as
great as he is a golf player in his prime, had
a swing coach. I mean, the thought of someone teaching
or helping him swing a golf club seems on the surface
ludicrous, right? Yo yo ma. The great
cellist. Guess what? He has a music
coach, Pavarati, the great Italian tenor,
had a voice coach. The people who are great surround themselves
with others. And they invite others to continue to speak
into their lives, train them, orient them. That is such a
critical factor. Someone once told me that accountability was the breakfast
of champions, but too many of us skip the most important
meal of the day. Let me give you
a definition of accountability,
answerability, a willing obligation
to accept responsibility to account
for one's actions. It's a form of
trustworthiness. I really like that because I so often see people, No, no, no, no
one's
telling me what to do. Right. It's part of broken, fallen
human nature. To be self oriented
in a marriage, we have to be thinking
of the marriage and the spouse,
and so I get it. Accountability is good. Ecclesiastic.
49 Solomon says this two are
better than one. If either of them
falls, the one will lift up
his companion, woe to the one who falls, and there's not another
to lift them up in a three fold cord is not
easily broken apart. Listen, I used to climb quite a bit, used
to mountain climb, and so I'm very
familiar with the metaphor of being
roped up with somebody. When you're at 3,000
feet up on the face, a piece of granite, life becomes a little bit more focused for
you. And I was always tuned in to if I was
leading the climb, that I literally had my climbing partner's life in the palm of my
hand because I might be anchored in, but the rope is
just around you and you're just blaying them up that mountain. And so I often see
marriage the same way. There are some risks
out there on the face, but the goal was not
for me to sum it, and my partner not
to, or vice versa. The goal was, hey, let's
both get to the top, Let's do it
together because we're roped up and we have some accountability and responsibility
with each other in overcoming these obstacles
called the mountain. Marriage is much
the same way, but I understand that
there is warfare. I already mentioned that I think the enemy of
our soul, Satan, hates the picture
of marriage, and he'll try to destroy
that any way he can. And so we have to
understand there is a spiritual
warfare component in doing marriage work within a Christian
context. I was channel surfing some time ago and I was, I think it was
animal planet, I don't know why, but it was a story about lions and how they hunt.
It interested me, so I paused and I found out, actually the lionesses
do the hunting. The guys just eat first. And I thought, okay, I
get it, I'm watching. And apparently,
intuitively, lions will seek
out of a herd, a weak, a sick,
an injured, or a smaller animal. And they'll work
in 2.3 to target that identified animal
and try to glean it out of the herd
because they would sort of chase
it and run alongside. And you think, well,
why didn't they just jump on the one
that was closest? Because they're
working together very intentionally to glean out that
targeted animal. And it was a herd
of water buffalo, and there was one
that was limping that these two lionesses
had their eyes on, and they kept scattering the herd. Scattering
the herd. And when this targeted limping water buffalo
was all alone, they broke off what they were doing and
they jumped it. And the minute I saw that scene on television, the scripture and
first Peter 58 came to me says, be wary of your adversary who prowls around like a
roaring lion looking
for someone to devour. And I thought, wow, that is an important principle
in working with couples because
the enemy of our soul prowls around
looking for a lion. But I noticed this, he's looking for some one. Satan rarely
looks for the many. He's a coward. But he will look
for the one, he'll look for the
one that's isolated. The one who's
cut off, the one who has no
support systems. The one who is
just, you know, in that victim
place or wherever it is because they're
the vulnerable one. They're the one
most at risk. And he'll look to
pick that one off. And so it's important
that we work with couples to have
accountability. You as a counselor will be an accountability
partner for a season. But I love the thought
of marriage mentoring. I love the thought of couples working
with couples. I love the thought
of established, healthy older
couples working with some of those young or
newly married ones. And so I believe that we have to
encourage this. Let me share a scripture in closing that
highlights this, because this is, to me, is a really
important principle. I was doing my
Bible reading. Reading the Bible
through a year. You read some
Old Testament, some New Testament, five Psalms and a
proverbs, right? Some of you maybe have
done that before. I'm reading my Old
Testament passage from the day I'm reading in First Kings,
Chapter four. I don't know
about you, but I don't particularly
like lists, especially lists of names. I can barely
pronounce. I'm like, why is that in the
scripture God? What relevance
does it have? I'm reading in first Kings four and I'm reading out of the new
American
standard here. Says now King
Solomon was king over all of Israel and these were his officials. I'm like God. It's
a list really these are
his officials. As the son of Zadok
was the priest, El Hoof and Asha, the sons of Shisha,
were secretaries. Say that three
times. Real fast. I thought, well,
it's interesting the guy had two
secretaries. But so what? I don't care. Jehoshaphat, the son of a hilud was the
recorder,
whatever that is. Ben and I, the
son of Johda, was over the army. Zadok and Abathar were
priests. I don't care. As the son of Nathan
was over the deputies, Aisha was over
the household. Adar, the son of Abda was over the
men's subject. I'm like, yeah,
okay, interesting. But what relevance? And then I read
this and Zabud, the son of
Nathan, a priest, was the king's friend.
Oh my goodness. All of a sudden,
it makes sense. Here's the wisest
man supposedly, who ever lived, who had the wisdom to
have on his team. At least one person
who appeared to serve the primary role of being his friend. The question I have
of a couple is, who is around you? That their role is
to be that friend, to be that
accountability partner, the person that
you can unpack your dirty laundry with, that you can be
honest and real with, and you allow them to be a truth teller back
into your life. Let me say it again. The son of
Nathan, a priest. Now I want you to
think about this. Who is Zabsatherathan? Do you remember
the story of Nathan and Solomon's
father, David? Nathan had some
interesting things to say to David when he sinned with
Bathsheba, didn't he? Here is the
prophet's son, now, the best friend of the king's son somewhere.
Solomon got it. That was probably a
good thing for my dad. It's probably a
good thing for me. As you're working
with couples, encourage them
to find a zab. Yes, husbands and wives
within their marriage need to help have
some accountability. But listen, men and
women are wired a little differently and husbands need other men, and wives need
other women That we surround ourselves
with a few key people, a few people that
can help hold them accountable for
the things that God might be doing
in their life, in their walk with him, and in their marriage. So I've given you
seven factors in what I believe helps create healthy gold medal
world class marriages. Capacity, having a focus or a goal
orientation, right? Time, perseverance,
consistency, sacrifice and
accountability. These are all
very critical. And so I hope as you're working with couples that you have an
opportunity to engage them on some
of these topics. And if they
engage in a way that's dynamic,
forthright, honest. And they will, I believe, have the right
kind of roadmap, the right kind of tools that they can have
a healthy marriage. So I just wanted to say God bless you
in your work, hope this is helpful in your own ministry or
career path. God bless
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**## DiscussionInstructions-SacrificeandAccountability.docx**
**Discussion Thread: Sacrifice and Accountability**
This Discussion features part 3 of the video lecture “A Marriage Two Die For.”
In this presentation, Dr. Scalise continues outlining 7 factors in creating good marriages. This Discussion Activity covers the last two: Sacrifice and Accountability.
What happens to two individuals when they marry? Discuss the challenges and rewards of becoming a couple. Be mindful that this is a process, not an event. Whether you have been married for a few days or a few decades, the task is ongoing.
Based on your knowledge and/or experience, discuss your own approach to teaching concepts related to sacrifice and accountability in marriage. Even if you are not married, approach this from a theoretical perspective.
Support your assertions and, of course, you may use scripture.
**Discussion Assignment Instructions**
The student will complete 6 Discussion Activities in this course. The student will post one thread of at least 500 words. For each thread, students must support their assertions with at least 2 scholarly references (with accompanying citations) in current APA format. Any sources cited must have been published within the last 12 years. Acceptable sources include our textbooks, scholarly articles, and the Bible.
**## Clinicalhandbookofcoupletherapy6thed.Chap.16.pdf**
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.
Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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**## WatchTranscriptAMarriageTwoDieForPart3.pdf**
We've now unpacked five of the seven factors that I believe help contribute to
dynamic, healthy,
vibrant marriages. Now let's look
at the final two to look completely
at the roadmap. I'm trying to give
you some things that I think it's
important for you to pay attention
to engaged couples and spouses as you're
doing marriage work. The sixth factor
is sacrifice, hence the title of this
three part series, A Marriage to Die For. If people want to have
a marriage to die for, it often takes
two people who are willing to die for it. Sacrifice is an
important part of any healthy marriage. It's certainly
a theme that is expressed many times
over in scripture, is it Not necessarily
the story of Christ and his coming to the Earth and his
work on the cross. It's a matter
of sacrifice. Sacrifice is
defined, Thus, forfeiture of
something highly valued for the
sake of something considered to have
a greater value or claim relinquishment
at a cost. Boy, I like
that forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of something considered to
have a greater value. I think it's important
for husbands and wives almost to see the marriage
as an entity, as having greater value than either of
them individually. I've talked to couples before, they'll say, hey, we have a great
marriage, we got a 50, 50 marriage. And I'll say that's
half a marriage. And look and
say, no, no, no. Both say, listen, 50, 50 is not a
whole marriage. You giving 100 and your husband or
wife given 100, that makes for a
whole marriage. It's equal in that sense. What did Jesus
say in Luke 923? He says, if anyone
wishes to come after me, he must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me with any marriage
relationship comes a little bit of the need to be able to lay
down my rights, my wants, my
wishes, my needs, my expectations for
the sake of the other. I realize there's balance. I realize there's
principles here and certain boundaries
in terms of morality and a
number of things. But a healthy marriage often is when two
people come together, and at some level
they can both say, listen, I get
it, I get it, that I don't get
everything I want when I want and how I want
it, and that's okay. I'm thinking of my spouse. It's practicing what I call
relational
gift giving. Most couples you work
with, if you said, hey, have you ever
given each other a gift, Christmas, a birthday anniversary,
Valentine, whatever most husbands
and wife would say. Sure. If you said, well, why did you give a
gift to your spouse? Many people would
say, well listen, I give gifts because it's a way of
saying I love you. It's a way of
saying you're important to me,
I care for you. I enjoy seeing you
blessed and happy. All great answers, right? So I often say, listen, as you're
shopping for a gift or as you're
considering a gift, maybe you're making it or producing it or buying it. The focus
is where
the focus isn't on the one who's purchasing the gift or
making the gift. What would please them or make them happy, right? For example, I
don't have a, I don't care a whole
lot about jewelry. I don't wear a
lot of jewelry. Watches, necklaces, bracelets, what, whatever. But my wife loves
jewelry. Okay? And so it's
easy to shop for her. Sometimes she
particularly likes rings. And so as I'm
shopping, I'm like, it doesn't matter
if the jewelry, if the ring doesn't
give me a great wow, it's not for me,
it's for her. And so I talk about relational gift giving
in terms of hey, it's okay if it's
not about you, it's for your spouse, it may be sacrificial. You are no doubt
familiar with
Gary Chapman's, the five Love Languages. And you might say,
but my love language is words of affirmation. Gee, I sure wish
that they would speak more words of
affirmation to me. But the spouses might
be quality time, so I say, hey,
sacrifice time. And it might be a sacrifice for
you to give time, if that's your spouse's
love language, because it's a way of
being sacrificial. The longer I've
walked with God, and perhaps this is
for you as well. Have you ever had
the sense that God has asked you
to do something sacrificial on his
behalf or for another? Probably you have. I have, but there are
also times when I feel like God has
come to me and said, Eric, I'm not necessarily asking you to do something
sacrificial for somebody I'm asking you to
be the sacrifice, and that's a whole
different game, and there are many, many times in a marriage thank God is saying
no, no, no, no. Yeah. There are
times I want you to do something
sacrificial, but there are also
times I want you to be the sacrifice for your
husband or your wife. I often ask couples
when they come in, like I do with
many clients. Okay. What are we
aiming at here? What's the goal
of counseling? What are we looking
at? Because I like to get a sense of the
target. Right? And so I was talking
and I asked the couple, I said, okay, so
help me understand, you know, what
we're aiming at. And he looked at
me and he said, I'm hoping I want resurrection in
my marriage. That's how we framed it. I want our marriage
resurrected, which is a fine goal. It was perhaps
in the moment, but I looked at him on
the spot and I said, okay, are you willing to experience the death
that precedes it? I'm thinking, well,
resurrection is great, but you can't have resurrection unless
something died. In essence, I was saying, what is it you
need to die for or die on behalf of
your marriage or your spouse in
order to experience the resurrection
that you're saying that you
want to focus on? I think that's important. Um, sacrifice is part of any healthy
marriage. I help couples
unpack that. What does it look
like? Are you willing are you willing to carry that
cross if Christ asks you to do that?
It's an important piece. A marriage to die
for, not just one. Both are willing
to die. I get it. Then the last
factor I want to look at is
accountability. Call it coachability. If you want, the
great ones seem to surround themselves
with others who continue to speak
in their lives. It is such a
critical factor. Listen, Michael Jordan, as great as he was,
had a coach. Tiger Woods, as
great as he is a golf player in his prime, had
a swing coach. I mean, the thought of someone teaching
or helping him swing a golf club seems on the surface
ludicrous, right? Yo yo ma. The great
cellist. Guess what? He has a music
coach, Pavarati, the great Italian tenor,
had a voice coach. The people who are great surround themselves
with others. And they invite others to continue to speak
into their lives, train them, orient them. That is such a
critical factor. Someone once told me that accountability was the breakfast
of champions, but too many of us skip the most important
meal of the day. Let me give you
a definition of accountability,
answerability, a willing obligation
to accept responsibility to account
for one's actions. It's a form of
trustworthiness. I really like that because I so often see people, No, no, no, no
one's
telling me what to do. Right. It's part of broken, fallen
human nature. To be self oriented
in a marriage, we have to be thinking
of the marriage and the spouse,
and so I get it. Accountability is good. Ecclesiastic.
49 Solomon says this two are
better than one. If either of them
falls, the one will lift up
his companion, woe to the one who falls, and there's not another
to lift them up in a three fold cord is not
easily broken apart. Listen, I used to climb quite a bit, used
to mountain climb, and so I'm very
familiar with the metaphor of being
roped up with somebody. When you're at 3,000
feet up on the face, a piece of granite, life becomes a little bit more focused for
you. And I was always tuned in to if I was
leading the climb, that I literally had my climbing partner's life in the palm of my
hand because I might be anchored in, but the rope is
just around you and you're just blaying them up that mountain. And so I often see
marriage the same way. There are some risks
out there on the face, but the goal was not
for me to sum it, and my partner not
to, or vice versa. The goal was, hey, let's
both get to the top, Let's do it
together because we're roped up and we have some accountability and responsibility
with each other in overcoming these obstacles
called the mountain. Marriage is much
the same way, but I understand that
there is warfare. I already mentioned that I think the enemy of
our soul, Satan, hates the picture
of marriage, and he'll try to destroy
that any way he can. And so we have to
understand there is a spiritual
warfare component in doing marriage work within a Christian
context. I was channel surfing some time ago and I was, I think it was
animal planet, I don't know why, but it was a story about lions and how they hunt.
It interested me, so I paused and I found out, actually the lionesses
do the hunting. The guys just eat first. And I thought, okay, I
get it, I'm watching. And apparently,
intuitively, lions will seek
out of a herd, a weak, a sick,
an injured, or a smaller animal. And they'll work
in 2.3 to target that identified animal
and try to glean it out of the herd
because they would sort of chase
it and run alongside. And you think, well,
why didn't they just jump on the one
that was closest? Because they're
working together very intentionally to glean out that
targeted animal. And it was a herd
of water buffalo, and there was one
that was limping that these two lionesses
had their eyes on, and they kept scattering the herd. Scattering
the herd. And when this targeted limping water buffalo
was all alone, they broke off what they were doing and
they jumped it. And the minute I saw that scene on television, the scripture and
first Peter 58 came to me says, be wary of your adversary who prowls around like a
roaring lion looking
for someone to devour. And I thought, wow, that is an important principle
in working with couples because
the enemy of our soul prowls around
looking for a lion. But I noticed this, he's looking for some one. Satan rarely
looks for the many. He's a coward. But he will look
for the one, he'll look for the
one that's isolated. The one who's
cut off, the one who has no
support systems. The one who is
just, you know, in that victim
place or wherever it is because they're
the vulnerable one. They're the one
most at risk. And he'll look to
pick that one off. And so it's important
that we work with couples to have
accountability. You as a counselor will be an accountability
partner for a season. But I love the thought
of marriage mentoring. I love the thought of couples working
with couples. I love the thought
of established, healthy older
couples working with some of those young or
newly married ones. And so I believe that we have to
encourage this. Let me share a scripture in closing that
highlights this, because this is, to me, is a really
important principle. I was doing my
Bible reading. Reading the Bible
through a year. You read some
Old Testament, some New Testament, five Psalms and a
proverbs, right? Some of you maybe have
done that before. I'm reading my Old
Testament passage from the day I'm reading in First Kings,
Chapter four. I don't know
about you, but I don't particularly
like lists, especially lists of names. I can barely
pronounce. I'm like, why is that in the
scripture God? What relevance
does it have? I'm reading in first Kings four and I'm reading out of the new
American
standard here. Says now King
Solomon was king over all of Israel and these were his officials. I'm like God. It's
a list really these are
his officials. As the son of Zadok
was the priest, El Hoof and Asha, the sons of Shisha,
were secretaries. Say that three
times. Real fast. I thought, well,
it's interesting the guy had two
secretaries. But so what? I don't care. Jehoshaphat, the son of a hilud was the
recorder,
whatever that is. Ben and I, the
son of Johda, was over the army. Zadok and Abathar were
priests. I don't care. As the son of Nathan
was over the deputies, Aisha was over
the household. Adar, the son of Abda was over the
men's subject. I'm like, yeah,
okay, interesting. But what relevance? And then I read
this and Zabud, the son of
Nathan, a priest, was the king's friend.
Oh my goodness. All of a sudden,
it makes sense. Here's the wisest
man supposedly, who ever lived, who had the wisdom to
have on his team. At least one person
who appeared to serve the primary role of being his friend. The question I have
of a couple is, who is around you? That their role is
to be that friend, to be that
accountability partner, the person that
you can unpack your dirty laundry with, that you can be
honest and real with, and you allow them to be a truth teller back
into your life. Let me say it again. The son of
Nathan, a priest. Now I want you to
think about this. Who is Zabsatherathan? Do you remember
the story of Nathan and Solomon's
father, David? Nathan had some
interesting things to say to David when he sinned with
Bathsheba, didn't he? Here is the
prophet's son, now, the best friend of the king's son somewhere.
Solomon got it. That was probably a
good thing for my dad. It's probably a
good thing for me. As you're working
with couples, encourage them
to find a zab. Yes, husbands and wives
within their marriage need to help have
some accountability. But listen, men and
women are wired a little differently and husbands need other men, and wives need
other women That we surround ourselves
with a few key people, a few people that
can help hold them accountable for
the things that God might be doing
in their life, in their walk with him, and in their marriage. So I've given you
seven factors in what I believe helps create healthy gold medal
world class marriages. Capacity, having a focus or a goal
orientation, right? Time, perseverance,
consistency, sacrifice and
accountability. These are all
very critical. And so I hope as you're working with couples that you have an
opportunity to engage them on some
of these topics. And if they
engage in a way that's dynamic,
forthright, honest. And they will, I believe, have the right
kind of roadmap, the right kind of tools that they can have
a healthy marriage. So I just wanted to say God bless you
in your work, hope this is helpful in your own ministry or
career path. God bless
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**## DiscussionInstructions-SacrificeandAccountability.docx**
**Discussion Thread: Sacrifice and Accountability**
This Discussion features part 3 of the video lecture “A Marriage Two Die For.”
In this presentation, Dr. Scalise continues outlining 7 factors in creating good marriages. This Discussion Activity covers the last two: Sacrifice and Accountability.
What happens to two individuals when they marry? Discuss the challenges and rewards of becoming a couple. Be mindful that this is a process, not an event. Whether you have been married for a few days or a few decades, the task is ongoing.
Based on your knowledge and/or experience, discuss your own approach to teaching concepts related to sacrifice and accountability in marriage. Even if you are not married, approach this from a theoretical perspective.
Support your assertions and, of course, you may use scripture.
**Discussion Assignment Instructions**
The student will complete 6 Discussion Activities in this course. The student will post one thread of at least 500 words. For each thread, students must support their assertions with at least 2 scholarly references (with accompanying citations) in current APA format. Any sources cited must have been published within the last 12 years. Acceptable sources include our textbooks, scholarly articles, and the Bible.
**## Clinicalhandbookofcoupletherapy6thed.Chap.16.pdf**
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**## WatchTranscriptAMarriageTwoDieForPart3.pdf**
We've now unpacked five of the seven factors that I believe help contribute to
dynamic, healthy,
vibrant marriages. Now let's look
at the final two to look completely
at the roadmap. I'm trying to give
you some things that I think it's
important for you to pay attention
to engaged couples and spouses as you're
doing marriage work. The sixth factor
is sacrifice, hence the title of this
three part series, A Marriage to Die For. If people want to have
a marriage to die for, it often takes
two people who are willing to die for it. Sacrifice is an
important part of any healthy marriage. It's certainly
a theme that is expressed many times
over in scripture, is it Not necessarily
the story of Christ and his coming to the Earth and his
work on the cross. It's a matter
of sacrifice. Sacrifice is
defined, Thus, forfeiture of
something highly valued for the
sake of something considered to have
a greater value or claim relinquishment
at a cost. Boy, I like
that forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of something considered to
have a greater value. I think it's important
for husbands and wives almost to see the marriage
as an entity, as having greater value than either of
them individually. I've talked to couples before, they'll say, hey, we have a great
marriage, we got a 50, 50 marriage. And I'll say that's
half a marriage. And look and
say, no, no, no. Both say, listen, 50, 50 is not a
whole marriage. You giving 100 and your husband or
wife given 100, that makes for a
whole marriage. It's equal in that sense. What did Jesus
say in Luke 923? He says, if anyone
wishes to come after me, he must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me with any marriage
relationship comes a little bit of the need to be able to lay
down my rights, my wants, my
wishes, my needs, my expectations for
the sake of the other. I realize there's balance. I realize there's
principles here and certain boundaries
in terms of morality and a
number of things. But a healthy marriage often is when two
people come together, and at some level
they can both say, listen, I get
it, I get it, that I don't get
everything I want when I want and how I want
it, and that's okay. I'm thinking of my spouse. It's practicing what I call
relational
gift giving. Most couples you work
with, if you said, hey, have you ever
given each other a gift, Christmas, a birthday anniversary,
Valentine, whatever most husbands
and wife would say. Sure. If you said, well, why did you give a
gift to your spouse? Many people would
say, well listen, I give gifts because it's a way of
saying I love you. It's a way of
saying you're important to me,
I care for you. I enjoy seeing you
blessed and happy. All great answers, right? So I often say, listen, as you're
shopping for a gift or as you're
considering a gift, maybe you're making it or producing it or buying it. The focus
is where
the focus isn't on the one who's purchasing the gift or
making the gift. What would please them or make them happy, right? For example, I
don't have a, I don't care a whole
lot about jewelry. I don't wear a
lot of jewelry. Watches, necklaces, bracelets, what, whatever. But my wife loves
jewelry. Okay? And so it's
easy to shop for her. Sometimes she
particularly likes rings. And so as I'm
shopping, I'm like, it doesn't matter
if the jewelry, if the ring doesn't
give me a great wow, it's not for me,
it's for her. And so I talk about relational gift giving
in terms of hey, it's okay if it's
not about you, it's for your spouse, it may be sacrificial. You are no doubt
familiar with
Gary Chapman's, the five Love Languages. And you might say,
but my love language is words of affirmation. Gee, I sure wish
that they would speak more words of
affirmation to me. But the spouses might
be quality time, so I say, hey,
sacrifice time. And it might be a sacrifice for
you to give time, if that's your spouse's
love language, because it's a way of
being sacrificial. The longer I've
walked with God, and perhaps this is
for you as well. Have you ever had
the sense that God has asked you
to do something sacrificial on his
behalf or for another? Probably you have. I have, but there are
also times when I feel like God has
come to me and said, Eric, I'm not necessarily asking you to do something
sacrificial for somebody I'm asking you to
be the sacrifice, and that's a whole
different game, and there are many, many times in a marriage thank God is saying
no, no, no, no. Yeah. There are
times I want you to do something
sacrificial, but there are also
times I want you to be the sacrifice for your
husband or your wife. I often ask couples
when they come in, like I do with
many clients. Okay. What are we
aiming at here? What's the goal
of counseling? What are we looking
at? Because I like to get a sense of the
target. Right? And so I was talking
and I asked the couple, I said, okay, so
help me understand, you know, what
we're aiming at. And he looked at
me and he said, I'm hoping I want resurrection in
my marriage. That's how we framed it. I want our marriage
resurrected, which is a fine goal. It was perhaps
in the moment, but I looked at him on
the spot and I said, okay, are you willing to experience the death
that precedes it? I'm thinking, well,
resurrection is great, but you can't have resurrection unless
something died. In essence, I was saying, what is it you
need to die for or die on behalf of
your marriage or your spouse in
order to experience the resurrection
that you're saying that you
want to focus on? I think that's important. Um, sacrifice is part of any healthy
marriage. I help couples
unpack that. What does it look
like? Are you willing are you willing to carry that
cross if Christ asks you to do that?
It's an important piece. A marriage to die
for, not just one. Both are willing
to die. I get it. Then the last
factor I want to look at is
accountability. Call it coachability. If you want, the
great ones seem to surround themselves
with others who continue to speak
in their lives. It is such a
critical factor. Listen, Michael Jordan, as great as he was,
had a coach. Tiger Woods, as
great as he is a golf player in his prime, had
a swing coach. I mean, the thought of someone teaching
or helping him swing a golf club seems on the surface
ludicrous, right? Yo yo ma. The great
cellist. Guess what? He has a music
coach, Pavarati, the great Italian tenor,
had a voice coach. The people who are great surround themselves
with others. And they invite others to continue to speak
into their lives, train them, orient them. That is such a
critical factor. Someone once told me that accountability was the breakfast
of champions, but too many of us skip the most important
meal of the day. Let me give you
a definition of accountability,
answerability, a willing obligation
to accept responsibility to account
for one's actions. It's a form of
trustworthiness. I really like that because I so often see people, No, no, no, no
one's
telling me what to do. Right. It's part of broken, fallen
human nature. To be self oriented
in a marriage, we have to be thinking
of the marriage and the spouse,
and so I get it. Accountability is good. Ecclesiastic.
49 Solomon says this two are
better than one. If either of them
falls, the one will lift up
his companion, woe to the one who falls, and there's not another
to lift them up in a three fold cord is not
easily broken apart. Listen, I used to climb quite a bit, used
to mountain climb, and so I'm very
familiar with the metaphor of being
roped up with somebody. When you're at 3,000
feet up on the face, a piece of granite, life becomes a little bit more focused for
you. And I was always tuned in to if I was
leading the climb, that I literally had my climbing partner's life in the palm of my
hand because I might be anchored in, but the rope is
just around you and you're just blaying them up that mountain. And so I often see
marriage the same way. There are some risks
out there on the face, but the goal was not
for me to sum it, and my partner not
to, or vice versa. The goal was, hey, let's
both get to the top, Let's do it
together because we're roped up and we have some accountability and responsibility
with each other in overcoming these obstacles
called the mountain. Marriage is much
the same way, but I understand that
there is warfare. I already mentioned that I think the enemy of
our soul, Satan, hates the picture
of marriage, and he'll try to destroy
that any way he can. And so we have to
understand there is a spiritual
warfare component in doing marriage work within a Christian
context. I was channel surfing some time ago and I was, I think it was
animal planet, I don't know why, but it was a story about lions and how they hunt.
It interested me, so I paused and I found out, actually the lionesses
do the hunting. The guys just eat first. And I thought, okay, I
get it, I'm watching. And apparently,
intuitively, lions will seek
out of a herd, a weak, a sick,
an injured, or a smaller animal. And they'll work
in 2.3 to target that identified animal
and try to glean it out of the herd
because they would sort of chase
it and run alongside. And you think, well,
why didn't they just jump on the one
that was closest? Because they're
working together very intentionally to glean out that
targeted animal. And it was a herd
of water buffalo, and there was one
that was limping that these two lionesses
had their eyes on, and they kept scattering the herd. Scattering
the herd. And when this targeted limping water buffalo
was all alone, they broke off what they were doing and
they jumped it. And the minute I saw that scene on television, the scripture and
first Peter 58 came to me says, be wary of your adversary who prowls around like a
roaring lion looking
for someone to devour. And I thought, wow, that is an important principle
in working with couples because
the enemy of our soul prowls around
looking for a lion. But I noticed this, he's looking for some one. Satan rarely
looks for the many. He's a coward. But he will look
for the one, he'll look for the
one that's isolated. The one who's
cut off, the one who has no
support systems. The one who is
just, you know, in that victim
place or wherever it is because they're
the vulnerable one. They're the one
most at risk. And he'll look to
pick that one off. And so it's important
that we work with couples to have
accountability. You as a counselor will be an accountability
partner for a season. But I love the thought
of marriage mentoring. I love the thought of couples working
with couples. I love the thought
of established, healthy older
couples working with some of those young or
newly married ones. And so I believe that we have to
encourage this. Let me share a scripture in closing that
highlights this, because this is, to me, is a really
important principle. I was doing my
Bible reading. Reading the Bible
through a year. You read some
Old Testament, some New Testament, five Psalms and a
proverbs, right? Some of you maybe have
done that before. I'm reading my Old
Testament passage from the day I'm reading in First Kings,
Chapter four. I don't know
about you, but I don't particularly
like lists, especially lists of names. I can barely
pronounce. I'm like, why is that in the
scripture God? What relevance
does it have? I'm reading in first Kings four and I'm reading out of the new
American
standard here. Says now King
Solomon was king over all of Israel and these were his officials. I'm like God. It's
a list really these are
his officials. As the son of Zadok
was the priest, El Hoof and Asha, the sons of Shisha,
were secretaries. Say that three
times. Real fast. I thought, well,
it's interesting the guy had two
secretaries. But so what? I don't care. Jehoshaphat, the son of a hilud was the
recorder,
whatever that is. Ben and I, the
son of Johda, was over the army. Zadok and Abathar were
priests. I don't care. As the son of Nathan
was over the deputies, Aisha was over
the household. Adar, the son of Abda was over the
men's subject. I'm like, yeah,
okay, interesting. But what relevance? And then I read
this and Zabud, the son of
Nathan, a priest, was the king's friend.
Oh my goodness. All of a sudden,
it makes sense. Here's the wisest
man supposedly, who ever lived, who had the wisdom to
have on his team. At least one person
who appeared to serve the primary role of being his friend. The question I have
of a couple is, who is around you? That their role is
to be that friend, to be that
accountability partner, the person that
you can unpack your dirty laundry with, that you can be
honest and real with, and you allow them to be a truth teller back
into your life. Let me say it again. The son of
Nathan, a priest. Now I want you to
think about this. Who is Zabsatherathan? Do you remember
the story of Nathan and Solomon's
father, David? Nathan had some
interesting things to say to David when he sinned with
Bathsheba, didn't he? Here is the
prophet's son, now, the best friend of the king's son somewhere.
Solomon got it. That was probably a
good thing for my dad. It's probably a
good thing for me. As you're working
with couples, encourage them
to find a zab. Yes, husbands and wives
within their marriage need to help have
some accountability. But listen, men and
women are wired a little differently and husbands need other men, and wives need
other women That we surround ourselves
with a few key people, a few people that
can help hold them accountable for
the things that God might be doing
in their life, in their walk with him, and in their marriage. So I've given you
seven factors in what I believe helps create healthy gold medal
world class marriages. Capacity, having a focus or a goal
orientation, right? Time, perseverance,
consistency, sacrifice and
accountability. These are all
very critical. And so I hope as you're working with couples that you have an
opportunity to engage them on some
of these topics. And if they
engage in a way that's dynamic,
forthright, honest. And they will, I believe, have the right
kind of roadmap, the right kind of tools that they can have
a healthy marriage. So I just wanted to say God bless you
in your work, hope this is helpful in your own ministry or
career path. God bless
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